What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

I waited trembling.

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

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I don,t even have a pension.

My life is so biszare .

He was dying to do it , i knew.

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As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

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We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

Comes on , in middle age.

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

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But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

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I was writing from the time i was a small child.

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

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We were not on the streets..

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

Has any man licked his wife's vagina while another man had sex with her?

So, i spoilt her more .

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

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When she asked me how she looked .

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

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Thats was my nicest nick name for him

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

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Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

I could never make a relationship work though!

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

I write beautiful poetry .

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

My mum and dad in the seventies!

I said to her

He resisted the act ,that day.

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

But it wasn’t much.

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

This is how, and why children get BPD.

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

I couldn’t, believe it.

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

Was to survive, this bastard.

But ive been too sick for many years..

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

Im dying but, im not bitter.

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

Especially a lifetime of it.

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

We all went to grammer schools

So whats the point in blame.

But, we were locked up after school.

I did it because my mum asked me too!

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

Im still living with it.

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

I will be 64.

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

Who then, do I blame.?

I was scared of men, in general

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

I never cut or harmed myself..

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

I think the readers, may guess!

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

Would this be the day?

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

I was seconnd youngest,

I had hoped to write a book about this .

As i do to all so called friends.?

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

I was 9 years of age.

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

She married twice! .

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

She was in good health!

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

This is soul school!.

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

Why did i forgive my father ?

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

They are buried together, in the same grave..

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

She wouldn,t have been !

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

What did i know ?

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

And who doesn’t know suffering?

He knew the spot.

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

All the time i was locked up.

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

Put me off passion for life!!

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

One cannot live in the past .

Ive learnt so much.

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

It was going to be , some day.

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

(And it was in our own minds.)

On the 31st of Jan this month .

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

She found it foreign!.

The only rule us 5 kids had .

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

I know ,a lot about trauma.

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

My family never makes their pension either.

She loved him until the end.

And i lived it daily.

I have no regrets .

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

I was very sick at this time too.

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.